What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 06:07
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why does an older married man turn bisexual?
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why did i forgive my father ?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ive learnt so much.
Why did my ex-narcissist move so fast with his new supply marriage engagement moving in, etc.?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But, we were locked up after school.
How can I be okay with being ugly? What is the bright side?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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One cannot live in the past .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was scared of men, in general
Why do men cheat on their wives with someone extremely unattractive?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He knew the spot.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Who then, do I blame.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My life is so biszare .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My family never makes their pension either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Comes on , in middle age.
And i lived it daily.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When she asked me how she looked .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was 9 years of age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So whats the point in blame.
This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
All the time i was locked up.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
I will be 64.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Would this be the day?
She wouldn,t have been !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She found it foreign!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was very sick at this time too.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im still living with it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I have no regrets .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I said to her
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was seconnd youngest,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We all went to grammer schools
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I waited trembling.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i do to all so called friends.?