What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:24
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When she asked me how she looked .
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was scared of men, in general
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im still living with it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Have you ever seen your wife being fucked?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She married twice! .
Why does my mother care about my sister more than me?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I waited trembling.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ive learnt so much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
All the time i was locked up.
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I will be 64.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I have no regrets .
Put me off passion for life!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It was going to be , some day.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My family never makes their pension either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She found it foreign!.
So, i spoilt her more .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was seconnd youngest,
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I think the readers, may guess!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My life is so biszare .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She loved him until the end.
We were not on the streets..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So whats the point in blame.
I was very sick at this time too.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I said to her
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I don,t even have a pension.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Would this be the day?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
This is soul school!.
One cannot live in the past .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.